Archive for December, 2015


What is love like?

December 10, 2015

Someone asked that recently, about two weeks ago. I had a hard time coming up with anything no matter how much I focused on it. But I think that was the wrong approach. So I backed off. And today, this showed up.

I don’t know much about it, it’s one of those things I never look directly at.

I might compare it the feeling that comes when I know I’m about to set off on a grand adventure and part of my mind has already left. I’m counting down in weeks, or days, or hours and there is a constant ebullience under my skin.

When I think of effervescence, I don’t ascribe that quality to something like champagne. Champagne is bubbly, effervescence is thicker than that. There is a higher viscosity to it, it would feel well comfortable in something like a bloodstream. Being carried from toes that curl with excitement to fingers that find themselves interlaced and squeezed, to the way the hairs on a neck stand at attention, muscles that remember touch.

But the excitement is almost too much, I need to push it to the back of my brain and not think directly of it or it will overwhelm me. There is a nature of something infinite to it, the more I look the more I see quality. Comparable perhaps to the way it feels when I macro/micro my self within my world to regain or maintain perspective.
I am larger than much and smaller than multitudes. And that’s kind of how it feels to have love.

It’s something grander than I can ever comprehend. A feeling, a sensation that overwhelms reason and logic in many instances. At the same time, it’s something that fits quite easily within my pocket. It can be encapsulated in a few notes of a song, a stone I’ve carried from a beach I can’t remember the name of, a scent that transports me through time and space to somewhere I’ll never forget.

And don’t want to.


I’ll show you how it’s done

December 5, 2015

My eyes are closed and I’m waiting.
The proximity of you is intoxicating.
The way your breath touches me just before you do
Makes my heart pound.
The only sound I can hear is the thump of my blood
Getting itself to my lips because it wants to taste you.

Eyelashes on my cheek
A butterfly kiss.
Did you remember that’s my favourite every language word?
Even when it comes to the language of contact,
it would seem.
But you hold,
you pause,
You stop.
Right at that infinitesimal space before the first time we connect
And you wait.

I open my eyes and you’re a Prince of mirth,
all smiles and benevolence
revelling in my anticipation,
in my need,
my hunger to know how it feels
To be kissed by you.

I never considered that you might wonder the same thing.
That you might want me to show you
how I’d like it to be done

And I step out of my role as woman taken
(only for a moment, I’ll be back)
And become a woman who takes.

Takes her time.

Watch you sit back,
climb on your lap,
straddle you,
my hips at home on yours.
I’ll place your hands at your sides
(only for a moment, they’ll be back)
Letting you know, right this second,
I’m in charge.

Intent on your eyes,
I want you to see me,
watch me get close.
Feel my fingers run along your jawline,
a nose that’s slightly cooler than your cheek
makes its way towards your ear,
I do so like your ears.
I like the way you react when I trace the edge,
that pink skin growing pinker
As your blood finds its way to the place it knows I am.

Fingers followed by a tongue,
I languidly lick and delight in your shiver.
My lips linger along your cheek
So light, you’re not sure if I’m touching you
Or just exhaling seduction.

There might be some grinding,
my tits crushed against your chest
as I hold your face and try to get myself close enough that I can’t tell
where my breath stops and yours begins.
And that moment?
That first touch?
It’s so soft.
So much so that we’re surprised, even though we saw it coming.

And I’m here, in this.
I’m nowhere else.
My lips are going to tease you,
taste you,
take their sweet fucking time
telling you
how good it feels to be this close.

And as lips give way to allow space
for tongues and teeth to have their fun,
as arms wrap around and hands go by feel,
as we fall further into exploration
beyond anything resembling reason
we might lose ourselves a little bit.
Ok, a whole lot
(only for a moment, we’ll be back…but let’s not hurry).


Wabi-sabi, heartfuckery and the absence of pantses

December 3, 2015

My smile cracked wide, words slipped inside and gently pried
I scrambled, gathered brambles I had always used to hide.
Of course they poke you, but they prick me too,
They stick deep and they’re in, a part of my skin,
Until I can’t remember a time
When I wasn’t an emotional porcupine.

Get close? That boast of a habit of saving
Well I have no craving to be the test of that raving insanity
That someone else can be
The person to fix me,
it’s best if we delve into our own damn selves.

And I walked,
sometimes ran
Always away, it’s safe to say that I spanned continents
In my effort to stay consistent with my plan
To abstain
Distant and alone
Sure, social enough, maintaining a tone
Of cheerful reclusion
Now and again, an inclusion
Of seduction, flesh fusion
That left me bereft of the mindgasms I sought
Heartfuck borrowed, never bought
Isolation too cold, but too hot
when they clung
And so once again, the pendulum swung.

One or the other, is there a way to have both?
I’m striving for balance, working hard to find growth
To be the girl whose armour doesn’t trap her within
Who isn’t scared to take chances,
let you all the way in
Let the sweet, the sultry, the sinful way we play
be a testament to best times spent
on yesterdays,
how we got to be grand
Adventurers now, in this moment and how
We won’t stand idly by and worry tomorrow
Wring hands and cry of future perfects or sorrows
The moments of fretting pass quickly, disaster
Has no chance to gain traction, made slipp’ry by laughter.

But perspective’s important, I’m feeling quite brave
Reassured that the heartfucking indeed goes both ways
And while the risk, the peril is something I crave
I’m my own knight, I don’t need to be saved
You appreciate well I don’t need to be rescued
So I’m taking delight in being seen, not just viewed
But my insistence that romance must be eschewed
Suggests to me that the way I engage might be skewed
Makes me wonder if I’ve been wrong all this time
If I’ve hidden from something that was already mine

An impermanent gift of beauty most treasured
A wabi sabi of sorts, an imperfect pleasure
Something as simple as a smile on the phone
The way you use words, I feel I’m at home
My brain and my heart are kind of aligned
And it’s scary as fuck, but I don’t really mind
It won’t be forever, but then nothing will
We’re born and we die, and lucky to fill
The time inbetween with giggles and light
With rampant heartfuckery, with the fun kind of fight
The ones where both sides do a victory dance
Ideally while we are not wearing pants.


Better to have heartfucked and lost, than never heartfucked at all

December 2, 2015

My feelings are getting way out of hand
I just dig you beyond what I understand
We were strangers, now friends and fuckfriends someday?
I guess there’s a thing I’ve been wanting to say.

More than like, less than love, that I can tell.
What, why, how is anyone’s guess.
because really, I don’t know you that well.
Well, enough to want to fuck, yes.

But it’s not just your flesh I long to tease
(though I do)
It’s not just your body I want to squeeze
(but that too)
And of course I’m inspired to get on my knees
(as you do)
Especially when you make me say please
(yes even that’s true)

It’s not just your mind and the words
The dance of right fucking now and delightful absurd
The hand on the throat
A pulse under your finger
A willful brutality
A kiss that might linger
And give way to a passion that so far exceeds
No disconnect between thought and deeds

I’m laughing one minute, I’m breathless the next
I’m drifting somewhere between surreal and context
This person I’m seeing, it’s an incomplete view
This troubles me not, I’m the same way for you

But the cracks in my walls I can’t totally hide
I’m fraught with pitfalls, I’m not whole, I have tried
But I’m tired of stalls, and staying inside
I’ll grab life by the balls and open up wide

If you might be thinking that’s crazy to do
Perhaps it was time that you tried it too.

We’re human, we’re social, we just want to connect
There are so many levels where we intersect
Of course I like that I can make you erect
But it’s more than just lust, you have an affect

I wake every day and think of you out there
You’ve reached me in ways that I had thought barred
Are you sexy? Oh hell yeah, but you give me the feels
And that’s why I heartfuck you hard.

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