Archive for October, 2015

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Seeing clearly.

October 9, 2015

If you could see yourself the way I do,
You would understand that your delicate heart is strong enough to love yourself
All of yourself,
Not just the parts you think are acceptable.

You would find delight in your freckles
In your thick, short, fine, long, wavy, straight hair
In your toes, all of them
Whatever that number might be.
You would notice the way the light shines from your eyes when you get excited
The way your heart fills to overflowing when you love
The way your compassion inspires me to see people
As people.

If you could see yourself the way I do,
You would understand that you are a good parent,
You are a capable individual,
You are a creative and delicious character.

If you could see yourself the way I do,
I bet you would spend less time wondering if you’re beautiful.
Because to me, it’s perfectly clear.
You are.

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Looking forward vs looking in

October 8, 2015

I’m learning lots about myself as I’m schooling and exploring in the time outside of school. I’ve started to go around in circles a little bit. I think I’m having the educational version of sensory overload. I’m taking in tons of information but not really processing it. Is that a thing? Is that just something that happens? Did I never notice it before because when I was in school learning stuff, the knowledge and the processing were closer to second nature?
When I first started, I did a thing where I was eat, sleep, breathing school. It was new, it was novel, it was overwhelming how much there was(is) to learn. But I was focused on the future and living in the present. I’m finding that a little harder these days. I have no idea where I’m going to end up as a result of this and it feels as though there should be some semblance of awareness, which I don’t yet have.

This is a difficult place to be, lost in the inbetween. There is nothing I should be doing beyond learning all of this new information. But my brain can’t help but question what we’re planning to do with it, once we’re done. It’s still a few months off, but I understand how quickly time can pass when you’re not paying attention. The end of the year will sneak up on me and I’m having to admit that I’m nervous.

I get dizzy in these depths I lose myself in.
These eddying swirls of brain game distraction.
Focused on the spiral going in, I forget there is an out
An endgame
A future perfect I’ve been neglecting.
Caught in the mode of the here and now
I shorten my gaze and fall short of the totter
When the teeter is all I can see.
This tether that keeps me focused
But forgetting to dream.
There are no words on the fringes of the pendulum
Only a perpetual swing.
is it better to lose sight of the might be
in favour of the is?
Or can I have both?
I’m learning new things
As I’m learning new things
And it makes my brain reel with possibility
But no time to process
If I am indeed where I should be,
While I struggle with where I am.

This feels like lip service. Honestly, it’s been so long since I wrote anything of substance I feel like I’m out of touch with the words. I know that I’ll try again tomorrow, it’s all I can do. I hope it’s enough.

It will be.
It must.

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