Archive for July, 2010

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Indecision.

July 30, 2010

Everywhere I visit is awesome. To the extent that I want to live there. Everywhere I go I wonder if it’s possible to find work and a place to live there. I even surf the real estate listings, as if I’m anywhere near a place where I could even consider a mortgage, much less get one. I think one needs a steady job for something like that.

But I do fall in love that rapidly, that often. And just as often and quickly fall out. Right about the time I go somewhere new. Heading up to Ucluelet for soundwave? There’s a 2 bedroom condo right on the water for sale for 300,000 or something like that. Everything else is about 1 million plus. Heading over to Tofino to do some surfing while I’ve got a bit of a window? Ha! Good luck, though it’s possible to find a place for around 600,000, it’s more likely that the average is 2 million plus. It’s insane! But I look. I even plot and scheme what I could do for work in these places if by some weird chance I could afford to live here. I could go to school and become a heavy duty or a marine mechanic…I could open an wheatless bakery. I could live in Coombs instead. It’s slightly bohemian seeming and not without charm and somewhat removed from the retirement village atmosphere of parksville and qualicum.  And so on down the island. Where it gets super expensive.

Ok. A move to the koots? I love it there. It’s filled with people and places and things that make me happy, much like here. But there’s no ocean. This is not a new misgiving I have about the area, much as the desire to move there in anticipation of the tsunami that will most likely accompany the zombie apocalypse will affect the quality of life here is a much muddled over belief. How much would it suck if I could finally afford a property in Tofino, only to have it come with a stunning view of Atlantis? And zombies can swim. The only thing that’s freakier is sharks that can fly.

The reality is, I don’t know where I want to live. I don’t know what I want to do. And while I’m waiting for that to manifest itself, as it will I have no doubt, I’m feeling a little bit floundery. Summer’s not a bad time for that to a certain extent, by the same token, while I always found the ants a little stuffy, the grasshopper was a total flake. Where’s the happy medium?

Sometimes I think the compromise is to move somewhere that isn’t the kootenays or the coast. Which might be Bali. Or Tasmania. Or Senegal, Madagascar, Peru, Argentina. I guess I shouldn’t make any rash decisions about where I want to live just yet. I do have the first glimmerings of plans to visit southeast Asia this winter, I’ll likely wonder within about 48 hours of my arrival what kind of work I can find there..

It seems I have the work ethic of the ants, coupled with the desire to play of the grasshopper. That seems to be a happy medium in itself. I also recall at the end of that story, there was a big party that lasted the whole winter…hmm…could be fun..

Indecision aside, as frustrating as it is to have no idea where the fit is, where the desire to have a sense of home might be, it doesn’t diminish that to a certain extent, at this point anyway, I feel at home most places I go. That’ll have to do for now.

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Slack tide

July 9, 2010

There seems to be no appreciable current flowing in my body of water and I must say it’s getting more than a little frustrating.

I’ve been back in the city, back in my apartment for over a month now. The second room is painted, the living room floor installed, shiny new carpet laid out..I still don’t feel like I live here. Is that strange?  Only a little bit.

When I first moved in, the job I had made finding a place to live a necessity. Most of my time revolved around that work and a lot of my home time was spent hanging out with my favorite neighbour upstairs (you know, the awesome one with all the good comics and video games who is never alarmed to find me in his apartment when he returns to it). My apartment was somewhat cursory, in terms of it’s use. I mean, I decorated, I loved, I thoroughly enjoyed this apartment. But I enjoyed it as an extension of my ability. It was the first place I ever lived on my own, the first time I paid rent without anyone else’s help. So that made it wondrous and special.

This time around, it’s just not the same somehow. I still love it, I still feel at home here. I just don’t feel like it’s my home. It makes me sad to feel that way and I think it makes the apartment feel a little sad as well. I’m not sure what we’re going to do about that. Perhaps we’ll tiptoe around each other a while longer until it gets really uncomfortable and then we’ll either seek counselling or break up. That’s the reality. You grow together or you grow apart and I hope that there’s enough courage to admit it and move on if that’s the case. Staying together because it’s familiar is not a good way to go.

I’ve been thinking about my next career as well. I really liked working as a lighting tech. I really liked being a boat mechanic. Now that I’m back in a city of marinas it wouldn’t be a stretch to jump back on the boat thing, but the reality is that I don’t feel the same way about it as when I started.  Which was why i stopped and went away to do something else. It wasn’t just the supporting the whims of the super rich that dissatisfied, it was also the enviromental implications of the boating industry that made me very uncomfortable.  And so while I thoroughly enjoyed the work itself, I can’t in good conscience go back to doing it, knowing how I feel about it.

So I think to myself, perhaps some schooling is in order. I don’t have any desire to seek out a diploma of some kind that will allow me to embark on some kind of fabulous career, but I do enjoy acquiring knowledge, so something within the trades, whether it be welding, auto mechanics or electrical might be best. Or maybe teaching english as a second language would benefit me, since my desire to travel is overwhelming and having a skill that would allow me to earn money while doing so would be a good thing.

It really doesn’t matter what it is, because the fundamental issue is that I don’t really feel happy about being in Vancouver. I want to be on the island so I can surf every day. But I don’t want to live on the island. If I did live on the island, I don’t think I would get to surf every day. That’s the reality. I want to live in the kootenays, but I have a fear that the dissatisfaction I feel here would follow me. I thought that coming back to Vancouver was going to be great because there are friends and music and tango and job opportunities and schooling opportunities and the ocean. Could my desire to live near the water be satisfied if the body of water was saltless?

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